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Tolkien Posts

  • July 20, 2011 by Jason Hood

    How I would cast The Hobbit (and self-evidently, why I was not asked to do so)

    I absolutely adore The Hobbit. It was a childhood favorite of mine. It’s enchanting, quick, and thoughtful, an other-worldly tale spun with real emotions, desires, virtue and sin. It is the Old Testament to Lord of the Rings‘s New Testament: an indispensable precursor that contains much of the latter work in nuce. Next year is The Hobbit 75th anniversary and the launch of Peter Jackson’s Hobbit film. Such a landmark is no eleventy-first (111st) birthday, but it should be celebrated in style.

    So in the mirth-ful style of ale-warmed dwarves and well-fed hobbits, I offer my suggestions for the casting for Jackson’s movie, slated for December 2012 release. What follows assumes a generous use of staging and perspective to make large appear small and vice versa (and a generous use of generosity on the part of those involved). I’ve also included a “theological understudy” in case Peter Jackson drops out and Andrew Peterson and Donald Miller team up in his stead.

    Bilbo: Justin Timberlake. Derek Webb or SEBTS prof Heath Thomas would be the theological understudies.

    Gandalf: Sean Connery, Clint Eastwood, or Samuel L. Jackson; they should cage fight to see who gets the role. Rowan Williams would be the theological understudy. (He already spends time keeping people together who don’t necessarily want to be together, discerning runes, and disappearing for meetings when things get interesting.)

    Dwarves: They always seem a little old to me, so let’s skew that direction, as well as “deceptively athletic”: Danny de Vito, Jon Kruk, Paul Giamatti, Diego Maradonna, and Gene Hackman. Robin Williams and Rick Warren play Fili and Kili. (Have you ever seen them at the same time and place? Me either). Tom Wright and Marcus Borg are theological understudies, and at lunch one day they wrote a book together entitled, Two Theological Perspectives on Playing a Dwarf.

    Trolls: James Gandolfini, Kevin James, and Toby Keith. Theological understudy is anybody who trolls around Christian blogs.

    Goblins: Mostly an all-star ensemble of redheads–nothing could be scarier–but shading to strawberry blond and even pure white when completely protected from the Sun for decades: David Caruso, Eric Stoltz, Mark McGwire, Marcia Cross, Brian Scalabrini, Matt Bonner, Carrot Top, Gallagher, Molly Ringwold, Nicole Kidman, Donald Trump (yes, wigs count), Joy Behar, William H. Macy, Jr., and Phillip Seymour Hoffman. Jim Gaffigan is the Great Goblin. Theological understudies are R. C. Sproul, Jr and Michael Bird.

    Gollum: Kevin Spacey. Theological understudy is Rob Bell 2.0 (bald + glasses that make his eyes look big, esp when showing you a ring with his hands).

    Eagles: Chuck Norris, Darlene Zschech, Bono, Chris Tomlin, Tait, Carmen, Lee Greenwood, and John Ashcroft. Eagles are super-spiritual, so no theological understudy is needed.

    Beorn: This selection keeps changing. Ole Miss’s ex-mascot “Colonel Reb” was a candidate (because he can change into a Black Bear).  Javier Bardem is in contention. Theological understudy is Mark Driscoll.

    Elves: We need lots of these. Johnny Depp, Paul Hogan, David Beckham, church planter Jonathan McIntosh, Steven Seagal, Seth Godin, and SAET co-founder Todd Wilson. Bill Hybels is the elf-king; he hosts a summit for all sorts of Middle Earth folks every year. Rob Bell 1.0 (hair edition) and early John Piper are theological understudies.

    Men: Mike Piazza, Tom Selleck, Bear Grylls, Kiefer Sutherland. Theological understudies are Kevin Vanhoozer, Peter Leithart, and Doug Wilson. In my mind’s eye, Selleck plays Bard.

    Smaug: Jim Carrey. Theological understudy is Chris Tilling (who was self-appointed btw).

    Categories: Jason Hood | Tolkien | off-topic

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